Skip to main content

Edited Feelings…

Written by Bongeka
Leave a Comment

A few weeks ago, I was asked by an executive to give a “motivational” talk to her direct reports. She had first seen me two years ago as I gave a talk on ‘why Change Management is important in organisations’ at one of their company year-end events. Our account executive in my previous job had asked if I could volunteer to do this talk as it would assist with stakeholder relations and assist us in maintaining and gaining more business. So, I agreed and thought it would just be a quick talk. Little did I know that post that event, I had touched a few people’s heart. This same executive, called me last year and asked if I could give a talk to a group of managers. I got the call again this year and by the look of things, the demand for this has increased as the managers insisted that I should also give the talk to their employees and not only keep it at the management level.

Why am I sharing all this? Reality is; if it were up to me, I would not do public speaking. I get super nervous and often feel inadequate, but a lesson I have learnt is that, it’s not about me. It’s about releasing what’s inside of me for the betterment of humanity.

For some odd reason, few days before this year’s talk, I was extremely nervous. The executive only gave me a three-day notice and because of my work deadlines I didn’t have much time to prepare. But the afternoon before, I found a space, put on my music and started attempting to put a message together. I always tell the people I address that, I am not a motivational speaker but rather I consider myself a vessel who shares insights. So, I prayed to God and asked that he would speak through me. Ideas started flowing as I began to put together the presentation. The day finally came; as I drove there I was praying and did heavy breathing exercises to calm my nerves down.

I arrived at the meeting, they called my name and as soon as I stepped onto that stage, it just felt like wisdom began to pour out of me effortlessly. After the talk, everyone was so amazed and some provided such great comments. All I could think about was ‘if only they knew how nervous I was and how inadequate I felt before stepping onto the stage’. I did what needed to be done, who knows perhaps some of the words I shared made someone’s life better and to think I wanted to cancel because I didn’t “feel” confident and felt that there are much better people than me who can do an even better job.

But we must realize that our feelings and thoughts are not always a true reflection. I’ve grown more in spaces where I felt inadequate. If you don’t get into the habit of editing your feelings; you are not going to achieve anything significant. What do I mean by edited feelings? Just because you feel nervous about doing something, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do that thing. Get to the root cause and don’t miss opportunities because of how you “feel” and “think”. Talk back to how your feel, if you feel scared and nervous it’s okay, it’s part of being human. But talk back to those feelings and do the absolute opposite of what you feel, especially if the thing you need to do is necessary for improving society.

Growing

Obey all laws no matter how foolish you think they seem…

Written by Bongeka
Leave a Comment

A few days ago, I was heading to a session and I had to GPS my way to the venue as I didn’t know where it was located. So, my GPS routed me to this very quiet road where there weren’t many cars. There were a few STOP signs on that road and as I was driving, approaching one of the STOP signs I quickly looked around and saw that there were no cars coming and I just drove pass the sign without stopping. What a big mistake as I didn’t realise that the police were in the vicinity and one of the officers stopped me. He asked me why I didn’t stop at the STOP sign and really reprimanded me for endangering the lives of others. I did realise I was very wrong and poured my heart out apologising, as he was about to write a ticket for me, he decided to rather give me a lecture about being more careful and let me go. As I drove, I really felt bad about what I had done and remembered the words a friend once shared when someone was narrating a story to us. Her words were “always obey all laws no matter how foolish you think they seem”.

The background story for the above words goes like this: a group of friends went on a safari and the signs that were all over the animal park were – “don’t go near the lions and don’t feed the lions”. But of course, in this social media selfie and “it didn’t happen if it’s not on social media” world, one of the people in this group wanted to get close to the lions. Maybe at the back of their heads, they reasoned that ‘I’m sure nothing will happen’. The sad turn of events is that when they got close to take a picture next to the lions, the lion attacked and this individual was severely injured. As we were all in shock and feeling sympathetic about the incident – the words “always obey all laws no matter how foolish you think they seem” came.

I was just reflecting that as people we are always quick to complain about how lawless our politicians and police officers are and yet a lot of us in many ways are law breakers. Some of the lawless deeds we commit are: We don’t pay for our vehicle license disks on time; we go over the speed limits and don’t pay for our tickets. We don’t pay for our TV license; we pay people who work for us less than the basic minimum wage as stipulated by the law. Some don’t pay TAX and at work, we “cook-up” information in our reports so that we are seen to be hard workers. The list is endless and if we are truly honest with ourselves we can all find an area where we have broken the law.

Not obeying the law does something to the human heart. We often judge criminals, the reason criminals are criminals is because their conscience has been seared, but it started out small. If you trace the history of most criminals you will realise that their journey to crime started with disobeying small everyday laws and that eventually graduated to disobedience of much bigger laws. The more you get used to breaking these simple everyday laws, the more you will fall into a trap of breaking “bigger” laws as your heart will not see anything wrong.

If you break the normal citizen laws, you will eventually break the law in your career, business and other personal relations – (that’s if you haven’t started already). Let’s not be hypocritical, if we going to hold our political leaders accountable for justice – lets also in our private moments be law abiding.

Growing,

Spontaneous, where art thou?

Written by Bongeka
Leave a Comment

I was attending an event on Saturday and as anticipated the event was nothing short of transformational. There were lots of nuggets of wisdom that the speaker shared and I found myself constantly saying a quiet prayer to the Lord, thanking him for the opportunity to hear truth and liberating teachings.

One of the things that really got my attention was when the speaker was sharing his life journey with us. He mentioned how he had grown up in environments that attempted to control him. By his very nature he is very spontaneous, but he found that for most of his life, he was reprimanded for his outbursts of spontaneity in many social settings. That obviously led to him living a chained life until; of course a time where his thinking began to shift and he understood the power of living as his “free” best self. Now being your best self has many variations but if one variation is being spontaneous then why not express that!

I felt such freedom when I heard him say that because all my life in many contexts and even till today some people frown over my spontaneous nature. I have been reprimanded a few times; I have been made to feel like I’m insubordinate; I have been made to feel like a bad person and the list is endless. But if I am truly honest with myself, I thrive on being free and being able to be spontaneous in whatever I am doing. I say the speaker freed my thinking when he shared this but I don’t think my behaviour has completely shifted yet. And I guess that will obviously take time. I have suppressed expressions of myself because I try and make everyone else comfortable around me. And I remember when 2017 began I wrote a piece titled ‘Back to basics’. That piece was my cry to God and to humanity, and I was merely saying that in order for me to live the purpose I was created for, I am going back to the heart of the matter, i.e. doing the things that are truthful to me and those aligned with the Lord’s will.

We can be so ritualistic and overly guarded because of the layers that society places upon us. I have even noticed that the corporate world has a tremendous impact in stripping away one’s spontaneous nature. Even environments which supposedly should stand for liberating the human heart; like churches and even our very homes can really do a great job at stifling a person’s spontaneous nature.

My enjoy life tip is this: Allow others to be themselves and allow yourself to be you. You may look foolish to some, but I believe God created us to fully enjoy the various expressions of our human nature as long as they glorify him and impact our humanity positively.

Growing,

Truly, one man’s meat is another man’s poison…

Written by Bongeka
1 Comment

My parents are just really amusing in their own very different and unique ways. But I am particularly intrigued at my dad’s patterns as he ages gracefully. So one of the things we have come to notice is how much my dad loves sweet things. But he is particularly very fond of cakes. It’s so funny; he always hints every time we go grocery shopping or if someone goes to the supermarket, that they should bring a cake.

Recently he was at the supermarket and of course he walked willingly to the bakery area and spotted a flavour, in the cake section, he had not seen before. So he decided to buy this cake to taste the flavour. He bought a burfee flavoured cake. Burfee is an Indian flavour. When I took a small slice of the cake it reminded me of the Diwali cakes we would eat at school. My sister also shared the same sentiments. The cake flavour was okay to me, but I am still a diehard carrot and cheese cake fan. My dad and sister also felt that the cake was okay but they still remain loyal to carrot and velvet flavours.

My younger brother, the last born however had never tasted this burfee flavour and to him it was unconditional love at first bite. He absolutely loved it and I can safely say he had 70% of it by himself.  My mom also took a slice and couldn’t even finish it. She felt nauseous after eating it and loathed it. I laughed as I witnessed the different reactions that this burfee flavoured cake bought to our home and I was reminded of the phrase that ‘One man’s meat is another man’s poison’.

Of course over the years this phrase has evolved into different kinds, to name just a few; One’s man’s trash is another man’s treasure; one man’s ceiling is another man’s floor; one man’s pleasure is another man’s pain; one man’s loss is another man’s profit and one man’s fault is another man’s lesson. It doesn’t matter which of the above phrases you use really, the meaning is the same. The meaning of this is everything is relative, what one person values, another may think worthless.

Okay so the point that I am trying to make in this piece is that, we are increasingly in a period where you have to be very clear about what your meat is!

I am saying this because I was having a conversation with someone and they made it seem like what I valued “my meat” was not something worth pursuing. They indicated how they had tried to pursue that and many others and failed dismally. But here’s the thing, it works for me, I am at peace and that’s all that matters.

Growing

Even in the herd I want to be heard…

Written by Bongeka
Leave a Comment

I was listening to this guy on the radio and he was talking about different parenting styles and he mentioned one that he considered most effective. He mentioned that most parents raise their kids like a herd, forgetting that each child is an individual with unique qualities. Sometimes parents solely focus on the academic side of a child forgetting that the child may not be strong academically but may possess so many other great attributes. They can place the child who is academically strong on a pedestal and constantly compare their other kids to this “faulty” standard. I just thought to myself, wow, that’s fascinating wisdom.

We have often been raised that if you don’t do well at school, there is something wrong with you as a child. The parents forget all the other amazing attributes that you have and forget that your intellect is only a certain percentage of your human make-up.

Unfortunately, this form of socialisation trickles down from generation to generation. It gets manifested in various environments. We meet leaders who often lead their team like a shepherd leading a herd. They have a particular way in which they like to work and if a team member compliments that style, that team member is considered to be excellent and trustworthy. If another team member is different they are considered rebellious. Sometimes leaders don’t get to the heart of the matter and try to understand that people are different and they bring with them unique working styles. No one wants to be just a number…we all want to be treated and celebrated as individuals.

I may be in the herd, but I really also want my voice; my own unique voice to be celebrated. There is nothing worse than being compared to those around you. When you compare me two horrible things happen. Firstly, I withdraw from my full potential and secondly all creativity is drained from me because of the lack of motivation.

My enjoy life tip is this: So, if you occupy a position where you seem to be the shepherd of the herd…please ensure that every voice is greatly celebrated.

Growing, ,

In Isolation

Written by Bongeka
1 Comment

I am home for a while as I am making some critical decisions about my life. I love being home with my family…family is good but I am not going to lie…there is something that I don’t like about being in my home town.

I realised that you don’t always grow whilst within your community, but you grow when you are away. I think Jesus said it best when he uttered the statement “a prophet is not honoured in his home town”. Often for people to be great there is a period of isolation or separation that needs to happen in their lives. Your ideas are not always embraced when you around your relatives and maybe to a certain extent rightly so…they sometimes don’t see you beyond your humanness and that is due to them witnessing the occasional ups and downs of your life.

I look back at the time when I moved to another city, to start my first job and I must say that was one of the best things that have ever happened to me. It was more than just a first job, but it was one of the turning points of my transformation.

I grew as a person, learning to see the world differently than I did before I left; I am much more open-minded. Sometimes when you go away you learn new things that you can implement when you come back.

I think of examples of people who became great and how isolation played a role in their lives. In the bible we hear that Abraham was told by God to leave his own country to go to a new land which God promised and it was this land where the Messiah would be born. We know that Abraham is one of the most integral characters in the biblical narrative and he did become great.

I think of the South African narrative and the story of the father of our democracy, Nelson Mandela. His was an unfortunate isolation but none the less an isolation that landed him in prison for 27 years. Mandela’s influence spans across every continent and his legacy lives on. Some of the great leaders we know of; were isolated from their environments in some way. When you read some of their autobiographies; there are stories of how they either studied or lived in another country or city.

I have reason to believe there is something about being isolated from your birth environment that moves you closer to becoming the person you meant to be. I am also in a season of preparation for my isolation. This is probably going to be the biggest and greatest change in my life. I have moments of being scared, but the peace and excitement I have surpasses every ounce of fear. I know that my separation will yield tremendous benefits.

There comes a moment in every person’s life where isolation will happen and this is going to be one of the most difficult but rewarding experiences of one’s life.

Isolation is a time of spiritual, intellectual, materialistic and to a certain degree physical “cocooning” of one to become great.

Growing

Stop! and think…

Written by Bongeka
1 Comment

Inspiration is all around us, we just have to ensure we are alert so that we are able to appreciate it.

I was getting ready to iron this morning and behind me, I realized my family had put up the 2017 Calendar. As I gazed at the calendar, my eyes were taken by the quotation next to the big 2017 inscription. The quotation read:

“Action without vision is only passing time, vision without action is merely day dreaming, but vision with action can change the world.” Nelson Mandela.

I thought to myself…well this is such an interesting and powerful piece of wisdom. Often we get told to pursue greatness, whether that’s through succeeding in business, or a career or an academic venture. But, how many of us actually stop and think about why we wake up and do the things we do. We have become such a Go! Go! Generation…but are we reflective about our daily activities?

I was reading an interesting article yesterday and the journalist had interviewed an influential public figure. One of the questions the journalist posed to this person was, “if you had to reflect on your life and success, what stands out for you the most?” the public figure’s answer came as a bit of a shock and concern to me. The public figure paused for a moment and mentioned that though she had done lots of things and is a busy person; they have never taken a time to reflect. But, I love that she said in 2017 she wants to do more reflection and not just pass time doing lots of activities in a day without fully reflecting how each activity links up to her purpose.

Our generation is plagued with stress, depression, etc. I think it’s because we live in such a world of information overload, but we lack knowledge and wisdom in terms of how to live simple and relevant lives.

If I had, to be honest also, sometimes I have said and done things because I heard and saw others do that without thinking for myself. We have been raised to just do and most of us are living life and not thinking. We are not a reflective generation.

I think even as we begin 2017, it’s still a great time for us to just take a moment and reflect on why we do the things we do; even for the things, we have committed to do this year. Have we sat and thoroughly thought about how they add value to our purposes?

Growing

The appreciation effect…

Written by Bongeka
Leave a Comment

Those who are close to me, can, in some way testify that I am a daddy’s girl to the core.  There are so many things I love about my father…he is a really great man. My dad is really funny and I think he is also the only person in this world who thinks I am perfect. I always enjoy calling my dad or him calling me, and you know he always answers the call with the following words “Hello my lovely daughter”. Sometimes I don’t even take those words into account because they have become such a part of our conversations.

But not too long ago, I was going through one of those moments in life where you just feel like you are all alone. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I have God, but I also fundamentally believe we were built for companionship. As I was in that moment of feeling down the words “my lovely daughter” came to mind and heart, I wish I could fully express how refreshing this was for my soul. It’s true when the proverb says “an anxious heart weighs a man down but a kind word cheers him up”…

We live in a world where we are surrounded by people constantly complaining. You know, I realised something that almost every day almost everywhere we find ourselves around people who are just complaining. If it’s not about the government; it’s about their jobs; or their families or the rising petrol price, the list is endless. Imagine what would happen if we complained less and just started creating an atmosphere of appreciation.

Of recent I met up for drinks with a very dear friend of mine. I looked deeply into his eyes as he deposited more and more nuggets of wisdom to my life. I started to think of how much he has impacted my life and how much he ignites a fire in me to fulfil purpose. He not only ignites it, but, he holds my hand through the entire process and ensures that it keeps burning.

I started thinking of all my close friends and how incredible they are in their own unique ways. I am humbled that in the pages of Makhosazane Bongeka Mhlongo’s life story, these heroes and sheroes feature significantly.

I started thinking about my mum & dad; my siblings; and some of my cousins and I was just in awe of God, that as he authored my life, he decided that these would be the characters that I would share the same DNA with.

In a simple definition, appreciation is “recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something”

My enjoy life tip is this: Can you find someone or something each day to just appreciate?

Growing

Keep moving, Keep trying, you will make it eventually!

Written by Bongeka
2 Comments

I really love my apartment and I believe my friends and family love it too. It has this beautiful nature reserve feel with rabbits and peacocks constantly gracing us with their presence. Sounds great neh! But there is a slight problem; the network coverage at my place is horrible!

When I first moved in I was so frustrated! Receiving and making calls was a nightmare and to top it all accessing Facebook and Instagram was mission impossible… I remember I had to constantly move around the house to find a spot where the coverage was strong enough. In other days if I had a really important call, I would go to my car and sit there for hours just to have a conversation.

But the good news is I don’t struggle as often as I did before. I’ve managed to find two spots, one in my lounge next to the TV and the second one is on the right corner of my bed. Lesson I learnt through all this?  Our lives and dreams are like that struggle I had/have with my network coverage; you have to keep trying until you find what works for you. I don’t know how many stories I have heard of successful people who tried 99 times and on the 100th time their breakthrough and success finally came.

I think about my own recent case, after applying to various institutions and being rejected, I finally got into one of the best universities in the world. This is even better than what I had initially thought and wanted. It’s true when they say sometimes God’s response is not No but Not Now. But we will never miss what he has already destined for us.

My enjoy life tip is this: Just try again and again and again…after all history teaches that consistency is the mother of success…

Growing,

I would rather stand out than fit in…

Written by Bongeka
2 Comments

It’s so interesting that when we talk of peer pressure we often use it in the context of teenage hood. But I would like to argue that if you think peer pressure is a thing of the past, well think again my friend!

The thing is, when we mature into adulthood peer pressure is a bit different then how we experienced it as teenagers. When we were teenagers our friends really knew how to persuade us into doing things and we would succumb because of the overwhelming pressure to fit in.

When we become more crystallized in our different lives in adulthood the pressure to succumb is more a battle of ideologies.

This was sparked as I recalled various conversations I have had with different people and some of my friends. If I am honest also, I have been in situations where I didn’t truly stand up for an idea I knew deep in my core was right and was what I believed in.

Sometimes we are caught in those moments where you the only one in a gathering who shares a particular viewpoint and the people amidst make it seem like their viewpoint/s are progressive and yours is primitive or stupid. Truth is as individuals we generally subscribe to different value systems and in some cases we may divert to similar value systems. But what I have found is that when your ideas are not part of the norm, you are considered “Judgemental”, “Primitive”, or even “Closed-minded” in your thinking.

I will give an example, some of my friends and I embarked on a journey of purity and we have made statements such as we have chosen to wait again and we will give our bodies to our future spouses. What surprised me is the contestations this statement received from women.

Women would argue that this is a traditionalist or religious mentality and that as women we ought to rewrite the requirements of history and make certain ideologies socially relevant for our time. We are told that as women we should own our sexuality.  I have no objection to this statement but I love the point Sarah Jakes made when she said “a lot of women have become Masters in sexuality but Novices in intimacy”. And she captured the very essence of my heart. I am not looking for a quick in and out sexual experience…I want deep intimacy that translates into worshiping God through my body with my husband.

I think I am coming to a point where I really don’t care what anyone thinks about the choices I have chosen to make. I will not compromise my heart in order to fit into society’s socially approved or relevant boxes. If I am to be called a religious zealot or be misunderstood, then so be it. After all history teaches us that it is the revolutionaries and the non-conformists that change the world.

I often echo that in a world full of norms I want to be an outlier. It comes as no surprise that when you become an outlier in your standards you will make others uncomfortable. As people we can put ourselves under pressure to impress the next person by trying too hard. We “lie” and compromise our hearts because we fear that telling the truth may make others feel uncomfortable.

Even when it comes to my dreams some people have so easily expressed their opinion about how life doesn’t work the way I think. Well let me say this, If you want to limit yourself based on what you see and have been exposed to…by all means go ahead…but please don’t stand in my way as I dare to dream the impossible dream!

My enjoy life tip is this: Stand! I am not saying stand still and not be progressive but I am emphasizing that Stand for that which you know is right, stand for your dreams. Your dream is not for everyone but for someone and that someone is YOU! So please even if you standing alone…please Stand!

Growing, ,